U.S. Postal Service gets tough on dogs, cats, mice and litter bugs

Whatever happened to that old Postal Service creed of “through rain, hail, sleet, or snow?”

Now, it appears that a lovable little Labrador lap dog can stop a mail carrier cold.

“Our priorities have changed,” said postal service spokesperson May L. Mann. “Safety is now our No. 1 priority, not service.”

For example, any animal observed on a carrier route will be just cause not to enter that property. This includes dogs, cats, hamsters, mice, chickens, ducks, goldfish, parakeets and even seeing-eye squirrels. In addition, no mail will be delivered to any home where a child throws temper tantrums, plays “Dueling Banjos” on an old guitar or speaks in tongues.

Soon, additional measures at the post office will be implemented to ensure the utmost in worker safety. Here are just a few:

Beginning next month, security at the Downtown post office will be tightened. Customers will need to show a valid ID, pass through a metal detector and remove their shoes before seeing a clerk.

Anyone who wishes to send items through the mail will need to do the following:

1. Pass a package handling safety test.

2. Be fingerprinted.

3. Have an extensive FBI background check. A five-day waiting period will be required before a package is delivered.

Eventually, the postal service hopes to have micro-stamped string, paper and tape. This will aid in the investigation of any Christmas gift crimes. California customers will only be able to send one package per month.

In the future, all post office delivery trucks will be repainted and customized. Service logos and identifiable wording will be eliminated. Vehicles will be disguised as motor homes, diaper service vans or taco trucks with “La Cucaracha” horns.

To ensure further employee safety, all postal workers will be issued 9 mm pistols, bulletproof vests and unusually scary necklace IDs. Training will take place once per week, using the basement of the main postal facility. Only supervisors now use this space when hiding from angry workers or disgruntled customers.

Rural mail delivery personnel will be required to use only British cars with right-hand drive. Since there aren’t too many of these left in the U.S., this will mean a strict conservation of vehicles remaining, such as London Taxis, Blower Bentleys or Austin “bug-eyed” Sprites. If you have one of these classics, call the post office Super Safety Center at their unlisted number. A generous tax deduction and an inclusive piece of the stimulus package await those making donations.

Congress will also get involved by passing “hate crime” legislation, directed at anyone who makes fun of the post office or its employees. Punishment will be five years in jail, a $10,000 fine and/or denied junk mail delivery for the next year or 12 months, whichever comes first.

While postal officials realize these rules may cause some inconvenience to their customers, they insist employee safety must come first.

“We all want a secure working environment. A little patience on the part of our patrons will go a long way in making this happen,” said Ms. Mann. The spokesperson also wanted to assure customers that armed postal employees will not be a danger to themselves or others. “They will only use deadly force if a life is in danger or some inconsiderate slob leaves trash on the floor,” she said.

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